Pieces of You

Reading Kian Guan's blog made me think of 1 person I never want to forget...

I read a very sad blog of my friend today about the abandoned children of an orphanage just down the road of our hospital. This orphanage would send children to the hospital when they were ill. Some with chronic diseases would stay for a longer period of time. Some stayed on so long that they become a constant in the paediatrics ward.

The blog made me think of a little girl that I met while I was in my Paediatrics posting. This is an entry from my personal diary, which I wish to share with all who are reading this blog.

I'm now in my Xth week of Paediatric posting.
Tonight, I want to write about a little girl. Let's call her May. She was 3.
May was admitted 3 weeks ago for bronchopneumonia from the orphanage. My team was on call that night and I remember that she was fretful, and awfully quiet. She also had a headful of lice and fungal infection behind her ears. She refused to lie flat, just curling up on her side.
It was a Friday night and we had 5 admissions that night so I did not pay much attention to her for the rest of the weekend. My colleague was actually in charge of her, not I.
On Monday, the nurses informed us that they noted a rectal prolapse while showering her. She also had extremely foul-smelling faeces despite frequent change of diapers. They also had difficulties feeding her as she was refusing food.
That evening, I stayed on in the ward until dinnertime. I saw that May did not touch her spaghetti, hence I sat down next to her and decided to spend some time with her. I managed to coax her to take several bites of spaghetti. She ate 4 spoonfuls and smiled at me once.
According to the welfare personnel, she was found roaming the streets with her mother who was begging. Her mother was sent to another welfare home and the custody of May was taken away from her.
The next few days, May refused to eat or drink. She did not speak a word. We had to forcefeed her with a feeding tube. We were also working out the reason for her rectal prolapse.
One afternoon, I had just finished examining a patient when I saw a lady next to May, appearing very concerned about her. She was May's mother. Strangely, May did not express any emotions upon seeing her.
From that day onwards, May's condition deteriorated. She developed septic shock and was managed in the HDU and later the ICU. When she showed signs of improvement, she was then transferred back into the HDU.
This week, she was improving clinically and also responded to us. I would spend some time with her during lunch and she played with me. I even saw her smile several times. I did not hear her speak any words but she made some vocalizations, and was willing to drink her milk after some coaxing. She was still very weak, but she clung on to me when I carried her. My registrar allowed me to remove her femoral line 2 days ago.
Today, May collapsed, was asystolic and had to be intubated following resuscitation. She was transferred into the ICU again. When I saw her in the afternoon, she had to be on triple inotrope support and was already in shock. I couldn't stay on as there were rounds in the other wards. After rounds, I stayed back in the Paeds ward to see some other patients and did not leave until about 6pm. On my way out of the hospital block, I thought of dropping by the ICU to see how May was doing. When I arrived, she was just pronounced dead.
I was shocked, but I stayed on to see the nurses bathe and wrap her tiny body before sending her down to the morgue.
I am recording these events because I am afraid that these memories will get lost along the way in my busy life as a doctor. Perhaps I won't forget her at all. She was the first patient that I was actively involved in the management of her condition. She was the first patient that I fed. She was the first patient of mine that died.
I don't think May will fade away so easily. I will probably remember feeding her spaghetti, teaching her how to roll the noodles around the fork. How can I forget the satisfaction of seeing her smile? I will remember her beautiful long eyelashes that framed her round eyes. Maybe I will sometimes think of the way she clung on to me when I carried her. Perhaps it will be her little voice with the few jargons she muttered.
I remember thinking to myself when she was still with us that she would grow up to be very pretty. I was hoping she would succeed in life, after all that she had been through. Now I can only hope that her soul is at peace.
Tonight, I cried for May, for all that she ever was and all that she could have been. My one regret is that I could not make her laugh while she was here. Maybe happiness eluded her life from the start. Or maybe she never learned to be happy. But It does not matter anymore, for May will never smile again.

As a medical student I have learnt to be empathetic, detached, tough, professional. It is dangerous to be too emotional about our patients. But we learn from them, and sometimes we just carry little pieces of them with us wherever we go.

Christina Georgina Rossetti. 1830–1894

Remember

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

Drawing lines, drawing curves

Geometry defines a line as the shortest connection between 2 points. Every line needs 2 points.

Mathematics defines it somewhat differently, that a line is a perfect straight curve with infinite number of points. To put it simply, a line is what you get when you go from point A to point B via the shortest route.

The curve is more difficult to define...I am no mathematician. But from what I learnt in school, a curve is a skewed line on a plane, and that it has a path.

Our lives resemble lines and curves in many ways. We as individuals are the many dots of the universe. When we meet people, a line is drawn. As we progress to become friends, or enemies, the line is skewed and our line takes on a path to become a curve.

The past week, someone close to me experienced some turbulent times in her love relationship, what many would describe as going through a rough patch. She was emotionally distressed, and I as a friend could only offer some opinions. I said what I believed was best for her, even though some of my words were frank and even hurtful.

I think she must have thought that this might be the end of her relationship with this person, yet today they managed to set aside some differences to reconcile. I am glad for her, as she knows what she wants out of this relationship and has found a solution to their problems.

I am not an expert in relationships. Neither am I an excellent judge on persons. I see things very simply, and don't know how to read people well.

But I know how to smell warning signs. I can identify bad behaviours, atrocious manners, stupid comments, irritable tempers, even body odours. I am not making these the reasons to dump a person, just giving examples of unpleasant traits.

It is amazing how some people can love their partner as they are... They can see through all their flaws even if it was right under their nose. Their ears are closed to hurtful remarks made by their significant other. And they can still love them unconditionally.

I think this happens because of the invisible red thread that make lines into curves. The love between 2 individuals creates an unbreakable bond between 2 souls. Love can make the world a beautiful place, and love can also blur everything surrounding one so that nothing else exist but his/her lover. Love can be divine, yet love can also be spiteful. The more one loves a person, the more vulnerable one becomes. Fragile, breakable... yes, it is very frightening.

While I remain a dot, many of my friends are drawing their lines and curves. I hope that in the end they will create a masterpiece that celebrates love and life.

________________________________________________________

This is a song by Jim Brickman called The Love I Found In You.

You are the air I need to breathe

the river of life inside of me

you are the half that made me whole

you are the anchor of my soul

and you are strong when I am weak

you are the words when I can't speak

you never fail to see me through

that's the love I found in you

you are my shelter from the storm

you are the road that leads me home

and baby with you here face to face

Oh I know I've found my place

and you are strong when I am weak

you are the words when I can't speak

you never fail to see me through

that's the love I found in you

and once in every life

you find the one that's right

and when you say forever it's true

That's the love I found in you

You are strong when I am weak

you are the words when I can't speak

you never fail to see me through

That's the love I found in you

That's the love, love I found in you

I think it pretty much sums up why people want to stay in love.

Is right Right or Left?

I think I woke up in Topsy-turvy land this morning. But I don't remember climbing up the Magic Faraway Tree. I don't even know where the tree is.

It started in the morning when Julian and I sent Nay to the train station so that he can catch an ERL ride to KLIA. Had some problems calling him in the morning and we were really worried that he would miss his flight but we eventually managed to reach him.

At the station, I dropped my phone!!! My poor baby, just 2 weeks out of its neonatal period, and it is scratched all over! It's my fault really, I was careless, and this is the 2nd time I've dropped it this week :(

During ward round, Julian told me that his car had some problems. One of his mudguard came off and he went through some trouble taking it off. Why can't things go on smoothly?

The worst has yet to come. Also during ward rounds, Julian, Joanne and I were reprimanded by Prof. Hassan for not clerking a patient. Hey, it wasn't even our turn! The other group was on call that day hence they were responsible for that patient! And he had to catch us at that one bed which nobody covered for. The other group's members presented on all the other cases, just one miss. Timing...

In NICU, we reviewed a patient with suspected dislocatable hip. Later one of our friends showed us a case of Patau Syndrome and we were just LOOKING without touching as we were well aware that we need to wash our hands before touching anything... but along came a registrar and gave us a dressing down for walking into the NICU without informing any of them, treating the place as if we own it, touching the incubators with our unclean hands. Well HELLO... get this straight. We came in with our orthopaedics team. We were just observing the baby. We DID NOT TOUCH the incubators! And no, we don't own the NICU - can't afford it. We are just a bunch of enthusiastic students who wanted to see something rather rare. We're sorry for not asking your permission to look at someone else's baby, for occupying 4 square feet of space, but don't accuse us of things we did not do!

This morning, right did not feel right. What was going on?

Sometimes I really want an Enchanted Wishing Chair...so that I can rewind and avoid all these mishaps.

But it doesn't really matter anymore. I am wiser now. There is no such thing as Friday 13th being unlucky. Things happen all the time. Do we sit on our laurels and whine about it or do we get on with our lives?

I think the answer is clear.

At least clinics was fine and lunch was good (nice food and great company). Drove home in heavy rain, but thankfully the Lord guided me home safely. Keep Faith.

A Leap of Faith

This year is a good year for marriage. It is the year of the Golden Pig, and year-end is always an auspicious time for Chinese marriages. In this last quarter of this year, many of my coursemates have also gotten married - registered but have yet to host the ceremony. Still, they are married in the eyes of law. Most of these couples are my coursemates, as in both husband and wife are medical students with me. They met in med school, fell in love and in our final year of marriage decided to make this commitment of a lifetime.

My good friend Julian said that if you want to be trendy, get registered to the one you love. It is the new fad of the faculty.

There are many reasons for these couples to get married. I think the main reason is the fear of separation. When we graduate and become housemen, we can be posted all over the country. Married couples have a better chance of getting the same hospital.

Being separated from the one you love for a couple of years is terrifying. Many things can happen when you are apart... Insecurity, doubt, change of heart? Coupled with the stress of work and a new way of life, many need the constant support from their significant other.

I respect these friends of mine for their confidence in their love, and their commitment. Marriage is a HUGE step in life. It is a bond that 2 people share for as long as they live. They have decided that they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner, and I am happy for them.

At the same time, I as an outsider who am not in love cannot stop wondering if being married is the solution. I see many more couples who are also like the perfect matches from heaven continue as they are... These individuals did not see a need to get married to keep or save their relationship. They believe in giving their relationship a test of faith. Ming told me of a friend whose opinion was that relationships in campus developed under a protected environment and they need to be tested in the real world when we start working.

I really like that point of view. These couples are giving themselves a chance as an individual to experience life and yet grow together. I am not taking sides. There are pros and cons to marriage as well as the reverse.

Eventually, most of us will get married. Some to people whom they are going out with, some to friends who have yet to turned lovers, some to people whom they have yet to meet. Marriage is a big leap of faith because when we do, we are willingly commiting ourselves to a life of constant sharing. No more the freedom of being single. We are entrusting our happiness to our other half. There is no guarantee that we will be blissfully married. Just the faith in your love one.

We wouldn't know where life can bring us, or who it will lead us to. When we leap off a cliff, we might land hard at the bottom...

or perhaps we may grow wings.

Midweek Midnight

Wee Soon commented this evening that it felt great to be 'wild'. My interpretation of his wild would be free from studying all day long. We were playing a lousy game of pool then... it took the 7 of us (me, Wee Soon, Julian, Nay, Neeta, Wei Mui and Aland) 30 minutes to finish the game.

We were at 1 Utama for a farewell dinner for Nay who's going back home on Friday. We went to Italiannies, had loads of Sotong (fried calamari rings), a Classic pizza (very good) and a Classic Carbonara pasta (I thought it was too cheesy and beefy...bbrrrr).

After dinner, we got tickets for Warlords which was at 11.50pm. That left us with more than 2 hours to kill and we spent it wandering aimlessly in MPH til they had to close, followed by an hour of cramming round a small table in Starbucks taking weird pictures of our fist til they also closed, 15 minutes of sitting on a bench on the 2nd floor til the guard shooed us upstairs, and the rest of our time round the pool table.

Pool was actually quite interesting. We found out that everyone was really crappy with the ball and stick, and Nay always bent forward before Wee Soon (erm...). But everyone had a great time :)

Warlords was a U rated movie which was surprisingly brutal, violent and sexual for Malaysian cinema. The effects were really good, cast performance was commendable but I didn't quite like the storyline. It was basically about the brotherhood of these 3 warriors (Jet Li, Andy Lau and Takeshi Kaneshiro) and how they endured the war together. There wasn't much of a plot actually, just loads of fightscenes(good!), some sentimental oneliners and of course, a lady who's the gulahati(Sweetheart) of 2 men(Andy Lau and Jet Li). The ending was quite predictable. When 3 men pledged to die together, they'll all die in the end. Overall it wasn't too bad, but not fantastic.

The journey home was super smooth-sailing. There were hardly any cars on the road at 2.30am. There was a minor glitch though (I almost nicked another car at one time) and gave Aland and Nay a scare, but we arrived back at the hostel safely.

My Venti Iced Latte is super powerful. I'm wide awake!

Drops from Heaven

The rain always bring out a different side in people... It changes people's mood in a blink of an eye. Some become gloomy, some hysterical, manic, or even apathetic. And people do strange things during the rain. I know of many who would see it as the best time to sleep. I have heard of people who sit by the window to listen to the sound of raindrops falling on the roof. Some go crazy(disinhibited) and would run down a field while getting soaked. Or perhaps dance in the middle of the rain. My dog used to try and bite the raindrops.

It is a blessing and a curse. To dry areas, stricken with draught and famine, what a wonderful gift from God can rain be... welcomed by everyone, celebrated with thanksgiving and hopes of a better tomorrow. With rain comes life, growth and vegetation. And the precious fresh water which we all depend on, and are ever dependant on. Yet, rain can take away everything as well. It would rob a fisherman his daily catch, or even his life if he was caught in a storm. Rain that would not cease will give rise to a deluge, destroying everything in its path with a vengeance, swallowing lives without conscience.

It had rained the whole day today. How many slept through the rain?
How many lives were changed today?

Indulgence

Weekends had always been a time to pig out. It's the time when I go home every week and my parents would stuff me with food thinking that I'll be deprived for the next 5 days. Force-feeding is not just for the anorexic.

I had my end-posting exams this week, which means that I'm done with this posting, and there's only orthosurgery left before my professional finals in March. Scary!! In the past 2 days, I've had quite a gastronomic adventure. Starting from friday lunch, we went to the Seed Cafe in Midvalley, and dinner was at Souled Out Cafe at Desa Sri Hartamas. Yesterday I had lunch at Tony Roma's in The Curve and a wedding dinner at Ritz Carlton. The food at all these places were super yummy. And ambience was +++.

I like the simplistic setup of Seed Cafe. The white and black contrasted really well, and it looked very clean. Very reassuring to eat at this joint =) This was the 2nd time I've eaten at the Seed Cafe. Perhaps I was really hungry, but I think the food is better than before. I had the Pita Sandwich which was served with wasabi mayonnaise, and it was really good! Ka Man's Vietnamese Beef Noodle was fragrant and very tasty. I love the soup. The pastas were good as well... They were very generous with the topping for bolognaise. The price for food is reasonable - my sandwich was RM12.90 and I think the pastas were below RM18.

Dinner at Souled Out was really late. By the time we got our table it was the final call for happy hour. I thought the food was very good, despite some poor reviews I read online. And very reasonable too! I'm so glad I took some pics at Souled Out. Now I can share with everyone!
Kon Voi had this Carbonara pasta (his 2nd creamy pasta of the day!). Personally I can't find much to say about pastas with cream. I think they all taste the same.
We also had a 11" Aloha pizza(RM22) to share. It was nice but I can't remember much about it, so just okay for me.
Mike and Aland decided to eat the same thing. Chicken Cordon Bleu(RM23). Loads of triglycerides on that plate... but of course, taste bud's buddies. Looking at that pic now, I have no idea why I made the bowl of brown sauce my centrepiece. Poor photography, sorry!
Ming had this Fish Burger (RM16). I taxed a bite of the fillet and it was really good!
Ka Man and I each had this yummy succulent Chili something Sea Bass(RM26) which was served with an extremely generous portion of mashed potatoes. I basically love fish, especially cod, sea bass and ice fish(something I had in London years ago). This dish was just great for me.

Everyone was happy with the time spent at Souled Out. It's kinda far for us, but I think we'll return sometime soon.

My lunch at Tony Roma's was good as well. I had a Blue Cheese Burger which was HUGE and had loads of chips. For RM22.90 I think it's a really good deal. There were so much blue cheese on my burger as well! Actually lunch was more of a get-together for Jacinth, Naomi and I, so it was more than just the food.

I was at the Ritz Carlton for Cheryl's wedding. The food was by the hotel's chinese restaurant Li Yen so it was super, and the event was wonderful! I'm so glad it wasn't like one of those typical boring Chinese wedding which was loud and bright. Wedding at Ritz Carlton is so classy... they even had a live band singing classic love songs... aww...

I think Malaysians have a food obsession. Me included. Cheers.

Fairy Tales... No more please!!

Today had been an extremely long day. I had my theory paper for my Medicine posting and it was really rough. There were many tricky questions and some totally unheard-of thingamagics. Now I regret not studying super hard. And I was quite disappointed with my performance during clinicals yesterday. One would have thought that after spending so many hours in the ward, clinicals should be a breeze. And the findings were pretty obvious, yet somehow I made so many blunders!!! Oh well.... at least exams is over now.

I went shopping with the girls today, and we spent 5 straight hours on our feet on the ground floor of Midvalley! It was quite frightening, especially for Kon Voi, seeing us attack the racks and the changing rooms with such fervor.

Dinner at Souled Out cafe was great! I'll write more about it later. After dinner we decided to watch Enchanted at the Cineleisure. We went for the 12.10am show (what were we thinking!) and spent 25 minutes in the cinema listening to music and watching some ads. The show lasted about 150minutes, and it was actually painful! Sure, there were some funny parts here and there but it was totally lame and predictable and boring... Aland slept halfway through, and Mike was watching with one eye closed. In conclusion, Enchanted was like Snow White meets Kate and Leopold with a bit of King Kong twist.

I hope there won't be anymore dreamy fairy tales made in the future.

Somehow Ka Man and Ming enjoyed the show... Girls?

Birthday Love

I feel so loved this birthday! By my family and friends, of course.

My friends brought me to One Station (Station One?) to celebrate my birthday midnight. It was really nice of them as we are in the midst of our exam week. We had some really cool drinks, ate some greasy comfort food and sang a quirky birthday song. Julian and Shui Wei even came up with a new drink... Mocha latte plus Honey Tea... Guan insisted that we have to give it a name, just like how cocktails have names such as Sex On the Beach, and Guang Hong came up with Don't Sleep Tonight! I thought it was ace.

On my birthday itself, Neeta and Nay took me out to Jusco for lunch. They bought me coffee and cake at Starbucks, and sang another birthday song for me! How sweet =)

I received messages from my friends abroad and Chitra called me all the way from Melbourne. I came home to find birthday cards from Sanju (who is in Prague) and Siew Ching (now in Brisbane).

Even after my birthday, many friends sent me lovely messages.

Thank you so much guys and girls...I love you all!

oh my goodness has it been 2 years?!?

Wow, 2 years since I last posted! this is freaky. And I'm no longer 22, sadly.
Actually, I have kinda forgotten about this blog until my friend Paul commented that I'm turning my facebook into a blog =P
I don't know if I'm gonna do this on a regular basis, but will be keeping this active just in case I do!
I'm already at the tail-end of med school...4 months to the finishing line.
Today my friend made a bad comment on an issue, and some friends obviously disagreed strongly on it. I wonder why do Malaysians keep harping on the issue of racial divide when our society have shown signs of progress?
Many are blinded by the acts of the previous generation to acknowledge the progressive changes in this new generation. Yes, I agree that there are still many unsettled issues but we can't expect a sudden change.
Think of the concessions from the other side.
There is some truth to the line "Jangan pandang belakang!"
Cheers guys.